dad

I haven't seen my dad for more than a "hi" and "bye" in more than a month.  It's not just his fault, it's partly mine.  Our relationship used to be my rock, what supported me through some of the hardest parts of my life but it has changed since and now it feels like it was the rock thrown at me that lead to me shattering into a million pieces.  I should go over tonight and stay for dinner.  An awkward 3 to 4 hours spent at a home I used to live in but it now it feels like I'm visiting a museum, cold and foreign.  I'm unknown to him, we barely communicate anymore.  He is beyond disappointed at what I have turned out to be and yet I still yearn for his approval, for his love.  I should go over tonight but I have a final tomorrow and a 5 page paper due, neither of which I have started as of yet.  I can rationalize skipping out tonight but then next week I leave to Chicago for business and my mom convinced me to stay the weekend, meaning I will be missing his birthday.  I'm one hell of a daughter huh?

give

People want more than I can give.  I am forced to sacrifice myself for others and the problem is I do it willingly because I feel as though I don't deserve certain things.  I don't deserve to feel whole so I give out pieces of myself till all that is left are pieces, pieces where I used to be whole.

smile

I can't smile today.  I woke up wishing I was anywhere else, anyone else.  I can't bring myself to smile.  It feels like something foreign, like it doesn't belong on my face.  Smiling shouldn't be this hard.  I have reasons to smile but I can't seem to smile anyhow.  I just want to smile.