confused

I don't know anything. Why is it that I am always at a lost with my entire life? Am I just supposed to forget my past? I don't know if I am ever going to be able to do that. I don't know that I will be able to mend broken.

I sometimes think I am too broken to fix. I will have happy moments, I will have bliss, I will have ectasy but I will have sadness and I will have despair.

I just want to forget my past if that is what I'm supposed to do. I want to move on, move forward with my life. I want to mend my life I just don't know how. I am so confused.

Swinging again

I went swinging today. I haven't had to do that in a while. There's something so calming to sitting on a swing and being in complete control of your every movement. Of feeling the wind in your face; seeing yourself soar higher and higher. And then as you are about to swing forward you look down and for a second it seems as you are falling but you don't, you keep swinging.

Isn't that similar to life? Seeing yourself about to fall but instead you keep living.

I tend to be so absolute. I need to learn to bend, to use grey from time to time. I need to see both sides, I need to walk in the middle.

I need to learn how to let go and realize my past is just that...my past.

dating my ex

So I have been a bit busy lately dating my ex boyfriend. And I have to admit I am loving it.

We dated for almost two years and during that time we got along well enough he was just not emotionally ready to have a serious relationship so we weren't able to reach that level together.

After 7 months apart he has become a man; the man I saw piece by piece when it showed through. He is able to have adult conversation and share what he is feeling and thinking. He is able to tell me how he feel towards me and is even able to talk about not only a future but our future.

Suddenly the person I was crazy about for two years has become more amazing and I am happy and scared. I can't believe I am lucky enough that he saw losing me as such a big deal that he actually put in the work and changed. But at the same time I am so scared to fall for him too quickly.

I made that mistake after we broke up. I was hurt and didn't think rationally. I wanted to pretend he didn't exist so I got involved with someone else in an attempt to erase him. I realize what a mistake that was and that the old saying is true...only fools rush in.

This time around I want to take things slow. I want them to be right and real. I want to be genuinely happy. I am dating my ex and thus I am pleasantly surprised on a daily basis. I love surprises!

Wish me luck!

off

When I go to my dad's I always leave in a funk. It happens little by little and by the time I'm crossing the street to get in my car I feel as though he has reached inside of my soul and turned off the light.

Everything goes dark within me and everything that makes me who I am seems dimmer, like it isn't good enough.

Perhaps I feel that way because I spend roughly 3 to 4 hours being more or less ignored. I walk around trying to do everything possible to help or enage in conversation but as long as it is about me I know I will fail. He can't talk about me, he can barely formulate a single sentence to reply to anything personal I may bring up.

He used to be my world. I want my world back. I want him to reach back inside and turn on the light.