imagine

What would you do if you were completely crazy about someone for two years and they just didn't see you and all of the sudden they woke up?

What if because of your childhood you knew what it was like to be stunted by emotional issues so you never pushed him, you were just happy enough to be around him?

What happens when he hurts you so you can no longer justify staying with him, not because of a huge mistake but because of an emotional issue of your own?

What if you were more than heart broken, but shattered and too afraid to let anyone see you down so you picked yourself up and did anything and everything possible to not get over him but completely erase him?

What if months later you found out he had changed completely and it was because of you? What if he changed because he realized losing you was worth the difficulty of change?

What if all of the sudden the person you were crazy about for two years came back as a new person who made you feel like you deserve the world but all you can think to ask for is him?

fog

Tonight I walked into an open field at 2 am that was covered in fog. It seemed like God had laid a blanket over the Earth, tucking her in for bed. As I stood there I looked up at the moon and the stars and could not help but realize that though I have bad days in my life they are worth the good ones.

What I love most about the night sky in the city is that though there are not many stars immediately visible upon first glance, it doesn't mean they are not there. Like so many things in life it is only after you choose a patch of sky to focus on that the stars become visible.

I choose to focus on my future, on my present in the hopes that I will see my stars appear before me.

crying instead of sleeping

This week has been tough. Beyond tough actually. I officially ended it with my boyfriend, saw my ex which opened a flood gate of emotions, had two employees quit, interviewed 5 new people, had a serious heart to heart with my uncle and I not only saw my dad but he said and acted in ways which hurt me.

I need a father. I discussed that with my uncle. How I used to worship my father when it used to be just us two, before my mom had any interest in being my mother. Over the years we made some mistakes and my dad and I stopped being eachother everything. I know he loves me but he doesn't show it. It is the hardest thing I think I will ever do, going over his house and having him treat me like a stranger.

As I am laying down to go to bed I close my eyes and like I've done countless times I rehearse what I will say to my dad. I go over a new speech that will touch his very core and make him realize that I still need him, now more than ever. And just laying here in the dark with my words I notice my face is wet from the tears I've been shedding.

I need my daddy. I miss him more than I've ever missed anything. I need my daddy back.

what if?

What if I made a huge mistake? What if it was the right thing to do but is still produced an outcome I'm not happy with?

Is it possible to hide your feelings for someone else? I guess I know better than anyone that of course it is. But yet I'm stuck here wondering if I was never over my ex to begin with. I thought I was and i told everyone I was but the truth is I just erased him. I pretended he did not exist and now he is all I can think about.

The boy and I broke up and it's for good. I had known I was over it for a while but i'm never good at admitting defeat and that's what it felt like, another huge failure. He was everything my ex wasn't and yet lacked so much my ex had.

My uncle and I spoke today and he says I can't keep my ex on the back burner. And I know I can't but I also know that I can't stop thinking about him. When we broke up I told him he had to change and he not only realized I was right but he has actually changed so much and I feel like I will fall for him all over again and I know I shouldn't and cannot do that so soon.

I need to work on my issues, I need to work on me. And yet I keep looking at my phone hoping my ex will call.

life in progress

Meant for more than failed attempts to fly

Today could have turned out a million different ways. It is the thing that I have loved most about this life...the variables, the randomness, the coincedents or nonexistence of them. Perhaps today turned out this way because I had no expectations about it.

My ex and I were happy. We didn't fight much but we were both guarded and it created a fun but casual relationship that went on for almost two years which meant that it was much more than either of us admitted. I broke up with him because he hurt me and left. I felt my only choice was to actually say the words his actions cornered us into.

After I forgot about him as best I could. That is how my dad taught me to deal with pain. Forget the person, not the transgression. I forgot him until as of late I have been entirely unable to.

I saw him today for a completely benign and legitimate reason. I thought he hated me, I was so wrong. What I quickly realized is that I was happier in this awkward encounter than i had been in quite some time.

I am not rushing into anything and given myself homework: to come up with a rule book for my life. I'm sure at times I wil break them but I am determined to set them forth regardless so please stay tunned for those.

I do not know what will come of this. I am taking my life a moment at a time. All I know is that today I genuinely smiled for a few hours and I haven't done that in some time. Today I am happy. Today I am more than fine.

Home

On the drive back home I tried to focus on the decisions I had to make when I got home. I left after a fight with the boy and went to Disney without him.

While I was gone I didn't miss him. After 3 weeks of constant fighting the person I thought I fell in love with was gone so not seeing or speaking to him didn't seen like much since I essentially hadn't seen him for 3 weeks. I'm not sure if that makes sense but I didn't know how to miss him and didn't know how it was supposed to feel like.

I'm do not think I will be able to get over what he has done. What if he is my happy ever after? What if he isn't? I used to think I was so sure. Is the fact that I am not anymore a sign? Are you always sure about the person you want to spend the rest of your life with? Was I just wrapped in the way he spoke, the things he said; the things I had wanted my ex to say for two years?

not sure

I feel like those two words sum me up perfectly lately.  I am just so unsure.  I just don't know, about anything...at all.

I could be holding myself back and screwing up yet another relationship but I am too broken to do anything about it.  I feel like I am witnessing a car wreck in slow motion. No, like I am the one causing it.  As though all I have to do is turn the wheel and avoid the collision all together but that for some reason I just cannot move.

On the other hand what if it isn't a wreck? What if this is meant to be? What if this isn't my happily ever after?  I could have sworn this really was it; that he really was it.  But maybe it's not that I am messing it up for the wrong reasons but for the right ones.

The worst part is that I'm pretty sure this week will determine the outcome of my current relationship and I feel like I am sleep walking through my life at the moment.  Like I am stuck unable to avoid the collision I can clearly see is about to happen.

I'm not sure.  

2am pillow thoughts

What if I am in this for the wrong reasons? What if I don't feel the same way anymore?

I was never good at forgiveness. I wasn't raised to forgive, I was raised to hold grudges. I was raised to remember those who had harmed me so that they could never harm me again. What if I cannot forgive him?

I pass myself off as a very tough person, I can take care of myself and most know that I mean business. But I act tough so that I don't get hurt. I don't let people in because for all my life I've been the girl who gets left.

People never intend on walking out on me but they always do. Sometimes they actually leave, sometimes they really do physically abandon me but it doesn't even have to be that extreme. It can be as simple as turning around when I needed them most. As soon as someone leaves me I close myself off so that I can't be hurt by them again.

So mybe I am in this knowing it's unsalvageable, maybe it's my own fault for not being able to forgive and forget. But how am I supposed to let go of what has helped me survive my entire life?  When I'm left, I leave. Not physically but mentally and emotionally I am gone and there are never any bread crumbs to follow... so the question remains how does anyone find their way back to me?

and breathe

Yesterday I went out to dinner with my mom, step dad, and grandmother to meet my boyfriends dad.  Technically he is his step dad but he practically raised him and all.  And technically I have already met him, but that was when I was just the owner of the learning center his baby granddaughter went to.  So now I have to meet him as his son's girlfriend; the girlfriend his son moved from Texas for! Wow no pressure huh?!

I tried to talk but I'm quiet at first so all in all I guess it wasn't awful but it could have gone better, but at the end of the night I was just relieved to be able to breathe again!

Today is Friday and I can't wait to have a few hours of relaxation! The boy and I are going to hear some Jazz under the stars and I can't wait! I love picnics and stars even more!

But after just a few hours of relaxing Saturday morning the craziness begins so wish me luck!

Happy Weekend!

dinner

I went to dinner tonight with my dad, step mom and my two amazing brothers.  I missed my dad's birthday two weeks ago for the first time in my entire life.  Because of a work trip and my inability to stand up to my mother when it involves my father, I was in Chicago experiencing on of the worst days of my life the day of my father's birthday.  So tonight I go to dinner with a gift in hand, pretty positive it will be something he will like and just maybe I will get a big enough smile to somewhat fill the hole in my heart.  He actually seems to love the gift, two recycled wine bottles that now serve as cheese trays, and go on and on about how he saw them in Napa when he went.  The smile, though size-able, doesn't do much for the hole in my heart.

Dinner is as awkward as usual.  Neither of them are able to formulate any conversation with me or even sound remotely interested when I bring something up.  As I mention what has been happening lately in my life or even how I got straight A's in my Graduated Program, I feel as though I am boring them.  At one point they both even have their cell phones out, while my two brothers are on their PSPs; I was the only one there.

When I got to their house, what used to be my house, I see a card that was given to my father for his birthday.  Inside it reads something cute written by my 13 year old brother and I smile.  As I get to the end in his same handwriting it says Love...and then he writes his name, my younger brother's name, my step mom's name and their three pets.  I was not even mentioned.  Just when I think it's all in my head, I realize I'm really not a part of their family.  The thing is it used to be my family, he used to be my dad.

mom

I left a comment on alone in holyland yesterday about my mother and how she hurt me.  Some women are ready to be mothers at a young age, some are ready to share their lives with their children but some are not. My mother was young and she made mistakes.  She abandoned me when I needed her most.  She was not there for me when I needed her to be; when I needed an advocate, when I needed a voice because I had none she was not there.

All my life I have tried to forgive and forget her.  To let go of the grudge I have against her and move on.  At times I believe I have but in all honesty I know that I have not.  I have tried harder at some points in my life, other times I have given up.  I have made similar mistakes to hers in an effort to understand why she did what she did, thinking that maybe then I could forgive her.

Now we are better, or as good as I think we will ever be.  And what happened last night surprised me more than I can say; she was there for me.  I did not even know how much I needed her until she was right there with me.  My mom was there for me.  That is a sentence I don't believe I have ever said and it really brings a smile to my face to say it.  So maybe it's not too little too late to try and make our relationship work.

After all, last night MY MOM WAS THERE FOR ME ::smiles::

3 am

I used to be happy.  It was so close and so real I was shocked by it.  I swore it would stay and that this time it would last and this morning more than ever recently I am thinking I was wrong, yet again.  I was asleep, I could not have done anything wrong and I was awoken and berated.  Yet another promise broken, another feather of hope floating away into the distance.  When all was said and done I received another apology.  The fact is that I am an apology collector, I am a promise collector.  I receive them quite frequently and I hold them close and even when they have lost their value I still hope, why do I hope?

 I fear I have nothing left.  I fear I have been turned into a shell once again.  I am so scared to get to that point again, to become hollow because it was practically impossible to fill myself up again.  Feeling nothing inside, as awful as it was, it was also a relief.  When you feel nothing you cannot be let down, you cannot collect apologies or promises; you are hollow there is no room to hang any hopes.  If I become hollow again, how will I possibly believe I will ever mend broken me?