dinner

I went to dinner tonight with my dad, step mom and my two amazing brothers.  I missed my dad's birthday two weeks ago for the first time in my entire life.  Because of a work trip and my inability to stand up to my mother when it involves my father, I was in Chicago experiencing on of the worst days of my life the day of my father's birthday.  So tonight I go to dinner with a gift in hand, pretty positive it will be something he will like and just maybe I will get a big enough smile to somewhat fill the hole in my heart.  He actually seems to love the gift, two recycled wine bottles that now serve as cheese trays, and go on and on about how he saw them in Napa when he went.  The smile, though size-able, doesn't do much for the hole in my heart.

Dinner is as awkward as usual.  Neither of them are able to formulate any conversation with me or even sound remotely interested when I bring something up.  As I mention what has been happening lately in my life or even how I got straight A's in my Graduated Program, I feel as though I am boring them.  At one point they both even have their cell phones out, while my two brothers are on their PSPs; I was the only one there.

When I got to their house, what used to be my house, I see a card that was given to my father for his birthday.  Inside it reads something cute written by my 13 year old brother and I smile.  As I get to the end in his same handwriting it says Love...and then he writes his name, my younger brother's name, my step mom's name and their three pets.  I was not even mentioned.  Just when I think it's all in my head, I realize I'm really not a part of their family.  The thing is it used to be my family, he used to be my dad.