2am pillow thoughts

What if I am in this for the wrong reasons? What if I don't feel the same way anymore?

I was never good at forgiveness. I wasn't raised to forgive, I was raised to hold grudges. I was raised to remember those who had harmed me so that they could never harm me again. What if I cannot forgive him?

I pass myself off as a very tough person, I can take care of myself and most know that I mean business. But I act tough so that I don't get hurt. I don't let people in because for all my life I've been the girl who gets left.

People never intend on walking out on me but they always do. Sometimes they actually leave, sometimes they really do physically abandon me but it doesn't even have to be that extreme. It can be as simple as turning around when I needed them most. As soon as someone leaves me I close myself off so that I can't be hurt by them again.

So mybe I am in this knowing it's unsalvageable, maybe it's my own fault for not being able to forgive and forget. But how am I supposed to let go of what has helped me survive my entire life?  When I'm left, I leave. Not physically but mentally and emotionally I am gone and there are never any bread crumbs to follow... so the question remains how does anyone find their way back to me?